


If you say so

by beentheredonethat



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-02 22:16:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4075780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beentheredonethat/pseuds/beentheredonethat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some tragedies change a person. That's her final thought . It's been two months and she hasn't allowed anyone to move her things around, even the cookies are still in the same place. (...) It's a memory room. (...) But, oh, Carmilla, she hears her Mother's voice, you knew that all along, my dear, she was not to be yours forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If you say so

It's been two days since it all happened. Since her life ended. Since everything she wished never happened came to be, it blew her like a bomb and now she sits amongst people who cannot even begin to understand her pain and hopes they'll go soon so she can be alone with the one she loves most.  
It shouldn't have been this way. Shouldn't. They should have been together forever and more but that's not what the Universe had in store for them. Sure, they had been happy for some time but now she is dressed in black and all her friends plus Laura's friends gather around a white coffin.  
She feels like she's going to burst into flames at any second, LaFontaine puts a hand on her shoulder and Danny faces her from the other side of the coffin, her eyes heavy with pain and sorrow and Carmilla is sure she can also see a hint of pity there. Danny knows. Hell, they all know Carmilla will blame herself for the rest of her eternal life, even if it wasn't her fault, it wil be when she tells the story.  
\- She should cry.  
Carmilla hears LaFontaine's voice as if she's very far away or under water and realizes it's about her. She should be crying. Why isn't she cying? Why hasn't she cried?  
\- Vampires don't cry.  
She points out but they all know it's not a valid point because vampires do cry, they have seen Carmilla crying more than once.  
She doesn't know. It seems as her whole being has gone numb and all she can possibly do is sit there and watch as people lean over the coffin and let their tears stain the wood. Why would they do that? She wants to stand up and tell them to stop because that fucking coffin was expensive and Perry must be itching to clean it but when she looks over to Perry she is just crying. So Carmilla just sits there.  
\- It's time. - Perry starts sobbing loudly.  
LaF takes her hand and wipes her on tears with the other.  
\- Come on, Carm, they are taking her.

 

_\- Let's go, cupcake! We do not have all day. - Carm opens the front door and goes to the car._   
_\- Hey, did we pack the albun my dad asked?_   
_\- Yes. - carm tries her best to sound bored but fails miserably_   
_-This is gonna be SO much fun! All my cousins are going to be there and we can hang out by the pool and go out and hike..._   
_\- Can't we just stay in bed?_   
_Laura laughs – As if I'd let you._   
_\- Okay. - Carmilla pouts and raises her brow – Can we just go then? Your father's house is very comfortable but we better go or else we won't be able to get there today._   
_Laura climbs up the passsenger seat and turns on the radio humming to the first song she finds. The trip itself is quite quiet, it's a 4 hour drive and it's not like Carmilla gets tired or anything._   
_\- They will hate me, won't they?_   
_Laura lets out a warm laugh before answering – Of course not! Well, maybe at first, but you'll grow on them._   
_\- Very funny, Laura, huh._   
_Laura basically jumps from the car seat when she spots her father walking lazily on the pathway to the garage._   
_\- Can't he possibly stroll a little slower? - Carm whispers._   
_\- Dad! Carm wants to know if you can stroll slower cause she doesn't like driving too fast._   
_Mister Hollis pretends to stand still right in front of the car laughing while Carmilla smiled and whispered “I'm going to kill you and sell you limbs to soup kitchens all over the country”._   
_Later on they're all around a fire that burns high, Laura's dad is trying to roast a marshmallow while Carmilla watches him with a confused look._   
_\- Relax. - Laura sits in between her legs – He knos it's not going to work._   
_\- And why does he do it?_   
_There's a silence and Carmilla just feels the answer._   
_\- My mother used to do it, she could never wait for the fire to calm down a little._   
_Carmilla holds her tightly knowing these moments are the most important ones, when Laura is completely opened up. When she talks freely about hurtful things. People think she is an easy person, they think you can just walk up to her and you'll have her trust but Laura is a lot more complicated than that. She is very flexible and easygoing but also way too curious and opinionated and stubborn in the most horrid situations. Laura is not easy but Carm knows all too well she is worth it._   
_\- Hey, where'd you go?_   
_\- I'm right here, cupcake. - she whispers back_   
_\- I love you._   
_-I love you too, Laura._

__

Some tragedies change a person. That's her final thought . It's been two months and she hasn't allowed anyone to move her things around, even the cookies are still in the same place. Danny drops by sometimes, they don't really talk, she just sits on Laura's bed while Carmilla reads or sleeps. LaFontaine is the one bringing her blood – which she refuses to drink – Perry and Kirsh apparently feel it's too hard to coexist with her so they simply stopped visiting but that's okay.  
She wanders around the room in the middle of the night just remembering what went down in very specific places, she remembers when she sat Laura on top of the mini fridge, when they fell from the bed and had sex on the floor. She remembers turning on the owl lamp after getting Laura out of a nightmare and when they were fighting and Laura kicked the side of the bed and broke her toe.  
It's a memory room.  
Last thing she allows herself to lay eyes on is the pillow, the only item in the room she hasn't touched however she's sure it still smells like Laura Hollis. Like cinnamon and chocolate and strawberries and love.  
Danny is there when she finally stands up with a determined look and grabs the pillow.  
\- It isn't fair, Carmilla.  
\- No, it isn't. - she replies and Danny starts crying.  
\- She saved all of us, didn't she? She told me not go there again.  
Danny touches Carmilla for the first time since it all happened and Carm lets her because she is too weak to fight – or maybe she needs someone with whom can minimaly relate.  
\- She's gone.  
Danny's sobs grow uncontrollable as a response to that. She sees the door opening  
\- Look, Carmilla, crying is very good but – she finally looks up – Oh, Danny! - Perry runs to hug her friend.  
\- 'm fine.  
\- She needs to cry that out. - Carmilla's voice is harsh and steady. - Do me a favor, Perry. Tell LaFontaine I said thanks for her trying to take care of me, I really appreciate what she did. And that I'm going away. I must. And Danny. - she squeezes her shoulder – Honestly, Xena, she wasn't your Gabrielle. - she fakes a grin – You'll be fine.  
It's a joke but it sounds flat and no one smiles. Carmilla picks up a bag, shoves Laura's mug, a picture of them and another one of the whole group, some clothes and throws the strap over her shoulder. The pillow goes on her hand. She looks back.  
\- She was the best thing to ever happen here.

_Soft._  
SOFT.  
YOU'VE GONE SOFT.  
It's what she hears as she walks a long way to nowhere. Styria is pratically home for her by now. Her only problem is her Mother's voice hauntng her thoughts . Laura is gone and nothing could bring her back, so all of it was in vain, the charms, the cocoas, the kisses, the hugs, the plans, the waltzing, the dreams. It was all for nothing. But, oh, Carmilla, she hears her Mother's voice, you knew that all along, my dear, she was not to be yours forever. She shakes her head and keeps on walking, yeah, it's been almost a whole day but why stop? Why take care of herself when there's nobody to care for? Or to say she deserves better.  
She sets her mind on not crying and that's what she'll do. No matter how many times she hears Laura's voice or how often she and pratically feel her embrace or sense her smell on a light breeze. She will not crack . And it works just fine until the third night, she's hunting a pack of wolves, which is disgusting but she knows another bloodless day will weaken her to a breaking point. She sees them from a tall brunch, they're running towards a cliff and she gets ready to jumps when an owl gets her attention.

__

_\- What kind of animals have you killed?_   
_\- What? - she opens her eyes on confusion_   
_\- What kind of animals have you killed? Dogs, cats, wolves, birds, beavers, seals, bears, squirrels. - Laura was very serious – Give me names._   
_\- No dogs, cats, squirrels, whatever else you named. Why on Earth would I kill a seal, Laura?_   
_Laura had her “you think this is a game” face on and Carmilla decided to go along._   
_\- I never went hungry enough to kill animals like that. We practiced sometimes but just for fun. Mother took care of that and for many years killing humans wasn't something I dwelled on. When I faced that as a problem, it was either a wolf or a bear and then bags from Mother's blood bank._   
_\- So...only for survival._   
_\- Yeah, Laura, no pets._   
_Laura moved them to the bed._   
_\- What's the difference?_   
_\- It's like a dutch homemade pie and peanut butter._   
_\- Hey!_   
_-It doesn't suck but the pie will always be better, cutie, you know I'm right._

The wolves were gone.  
She could use the last of her strength to run back and get some blood bags but the risk of fainting before getting there was to big.

____**"Need blood. Close to Graz. I'll meet you on the way."** _ _ _ _

It also was a risky move but she had learned to trust that friend. The way back was permeated.by memories of all kinds, like flash backs on her mind – probably caused by her weakness. People say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes, Carmilla learned that to be only a half probable truth. It was when someone important was gone, from that moment on your lives together become a movie playing on repeat.

___She found that life to be the best one she had yet lived. Mr Hollis was pretty flexible on her getting up time so she always tried to convince Laura to stay in bed with her, and was quite successful, but not on sunny mornings. Sunny mornings meant something pure and a battery charger of sorts for Laura.___  
The clock showed 9:36 and the loud noise coming from the kitchen would have gone unnoticed if Laura's body warmth was beside her. Carmilla groaned and stood up thanking all deities for the existence of drapes. The Hollis family could be found still having breakfast but Laura was nowhere to be seen. An instant of terror sent a shock to her core but then Susan pointed a finger in the direction of the pool and smiled.  
Carm felt like she had been struck by lightning , she was paralyzed. Laura was still in her pjs which consisted in a green tank top and white and pink shorts, she was normally beautiful like that but then the light hit her just right.  
Laura was breathtaking. 

____****__ ** ** _ _ _ _

The sun was setting on the horizon and she was growing weaker. Mother's voice in her head had shifted into Laura saying she could just let go and they'd be together. Tantalizing but she never was one of the weak minded girls so she keeps on walking. Laura would want her to live. Hell, Laura died so she could live.  
Love is sacrifice.  
She did it years ago so Laura and all her friends could carry on and Laura did it now do her friends could keep on living. But what of Carmilla? What was she supposed to do with her life?  
Her phone vibrated.

____****__**"Going as fast as possible."** _ _ ** ** _ _ _ _

____****__****__****____

She cursed technology for the need of energy, her battery was about to die. Seriously, vampires don't need phones.  
\- Well, as it turns out I do. - she muttered and turned the phone off.  
Then she remembered on old thing her father used to say whenever she went riding in the woods nearby their schloss.  
**_The trees can listen, my sweet Mircalla, tell them only of stories finished for they are great listeners but also marvelous at spreading said stories._**  
The trees can listen. Tell them of stories finished.

__****__****__**I was only supposed to tay there for a couple of months and the be gone, as usual, but this tiny brat decided to play Lois Lane and create problems for Mother who was quick on sending me to watch the girl.**  
Annoying.  
Laura Hollis was nothing but annoying as fuck. She obvioulsy found everything out, mostly because Mother never worried much about covering her own tracks, and , unlike I thought, she did not shut me out nor ran and told everyone, well, she did trap me – what I still cannot believe happened and wouldn't have if it wasn't for Will – in an stupid atempt to save the girls who had gone missing.  
After I told her my tragic backstory, she seemed to grow a little fonder of me and also made her friends stop trying to stake me, which was really good because fighting Danny was becoming boring, well, after they “broke up” that didn't really matter anyway.  
I knew I wanted her, pure and light as she was I was destined to want her but that was it. Wanton, desire, one night and then I'd convince her to stop investigating and we both would move on. The damned little thing ruined it all being lovable, she cared for me and I for her, it was fast, took me completely. Suddenly Laura was in everything, she was everywhere and I needed to touch her, to feel her, to have her. You, my tree companions, might be wondering about my reasons not to lure her into my be right away and honeslty, they are quite simple, if not ridiculous. First, she didn't want me. Laura only turned to me when I saw myself unable to flee and even then, just barely, she needed time to see me as worthy an d somehow while a big mess was happening, she did it. And she was on a mission, she had girls to save and love couldn't get on her way.  
I see many of those moments as a mistake, I should have tried to figure something out, I should have been less afraid because if so I could have died facing Mother before Laura's feeling grew too deep. In spite of that, I stayed and helped them, we even went to the library, something I shan't talk about – we promised – however I should state I saved the both. Then there was the LaFontaine issue, during which Perry stated hating me a little but only unconsciously.  
We grew closer and closer until the damned moment I offered myself to go get that stupid soul eating sword and kill the devouring light as well as put an end to Mother's dictatorship. Deceiving Laura was not an easy task, she was, oh so confident of ou victory and of Mother demise that my omission broke her heart. I will not say what I did was right but I stand by my choice, that was my way of keeping her safe, of keeping her alive. Headstrong as she was, went to Mother anyway and was close to getting thrown off a cliff when I got to the party.  
Her face was the very last thing I saw before jumping and also the first when I opened my eyes once more. Oh, I must say I saw Ell too. And it was as a reassuring moment, I knew I would never have done the same for her. Those were different kinds of love. Ell was warmth, kindness but also rejection and fear whilst Laura was hell fire during my coldest night and a needle pointng my wrongs whilst an embrace showed all kinds of acceptance. 

____****__****__**** _ _ ** ** _ _ ** ** _ _ _ _

She believes she should have seen them hours ago but she wouldn't have been able to even if they were inches apart, her eyes could only differentiate light and darkness. She was starting to think that was some her brain being weird and not her body being weak. Years or even months ago, she would have dispised herself for wanting to find a bird, a squirrel or and owl so badly as she does now.  
\- Weakness clouds the judgement. - she clenches her jaw – That's what Mother would say to me but right now I'm talking to trees and walking back to a damned place just so I can have another painful day of existence.  
Then she remembers that the ones bringing her blood are mere humans and not able to walk as fast as she is but they are doing it anyway, they are walking into a deep forest in the middle of winter to save her regardless of what happened and she feels a hundred times worse. She's endangering more human beings to save her own skin this time, she deserves to die. Deserves to have her core frozen just as fast as Laura burned to death.

____****__****__**** _ _ ** ** _ _ ** ** _ _ _ _

_****__****__******When I came back from the pit Laura was more than willing to embrace what we both felt, she kissed me everytime she had a chance and listened to my professions of love with an undying attention. I felt like I was flying everytime we touched.********  
I was nowhere as pleased as her with the brilliant idea of taking part on a family vacation but I just had to – according to her – meet her whole family as soon as classes were over. To be true it was pretty nice, they were all really friendly and accepting and excited about everything just like her. It was also fun to see a group of 50 year olds try to take care of a 335 year old vampire.  
We were soon back at campus where a very happy Danny greeted us with a wave while her other hand was being held by another incredibly tall sister. I can still see Laura's smile to that, pure, happy, joyful. Laura loved Danny in such an inocent way.  
Then we had the Big Fight. That's how she used to call it, capital letters and all as if it had a life of its own. The Big Fight happened shortly after she got a job interview for a real newspaper. She kept on planning things we'd do after we graduated or when she got a job at one of the big european papers or asking for my opinion about very important matters in her life but the truth is how could I have an opinion about something as painful as the future? After we got back together she promised to make me see the whole situation through her opitimistic eyes. Now I never will.  
When she snapped my copy of The gay science from my hands in an futile atempt to make me answer her, I simply stood up and walked away for I knew an argument like that could easily lead to us breaking up but Laura wasn't one for giving up. She followed me and we had a screaming match on the patio.** __** ** _

____****__****__******** ** ** _ _ ** ** _ _ ** ** _ _ _ _

_-Why do you keep on doing this, Carm?_  
\- Doing what, Laura?  
\- Not participating on our life decisions!  
\- Your life decisions, cupcake. They're not mine. This is not my life. - Carmilla was leaning against a column – I'd kill for a smoke right now.  
\- What? What the hell are you talking about?  
\- Come on, buttercup, how long do you think this is going to last? You have a life to live, I've lived some, maybe more than I should but I now know I had to find you and I did.  
\- Exactly! - Laura was getting really mad – You found me, you lived like 5 lives to find me and now that you did, you're just gonna let go?  
\- We have no future together. - Carmilla said the words very slowly – You have a bright future ahead of you but I don't. Do you understand that, Laura? Staying here is only going to be hurtful, being a part of your future plans is going to kill us both because I'm always going to be this same person. I don't age, cupacke. I can't grow old with you. How do you expect to build a family with me? I mean, that's what you want, isn't it? A family. I can't be a family to anyone.  
Laura was crying when she walked up to where Carmilla was standing and put her head on her girlfriend's shoulder.  
\- You're an idiot. Idiot. Idiot. I am not letting you do this to us! You can't just make me fall in love with you and save my life to walk away! - she was screaming and pushing her head against Carmilla's shoulder.  
\- I'm not, okay? I am not. I'm here. Hey, hey, Laura, I'm here. - her hand went straight to Laura's hair.  
\- You are! Because you can't deal with this and that's what you do, you run away but not this time, I'm not going to let you do that to me, Carm. You can't. - her voice was calmer – Don't go.  
\- Shhh, cupcake. I'm not going anywhere right now.  
Laura took a deep breath, she was obviously calming down but then she suddenly took a step back, she had a mix of shock and hurt on her face.  
\- Right now? Wha- - she shook her head - So you're just gonna get me back to our dorm room and run away in the middle of the night like the coward piece of shit you are?  
\- Laura, come on. Don't do this. You know I'm right. I'm just trying to do what's best fo-  
\- What's best? Well, you can go f-fuck yourself with what's best! You wanna go? - she pushed Carm's torso against the column – Then go. I don't care anymore.  
Laura was the one who walked away while Carmilla watched her and fought the tears that were trying to escape.

 

Carm couldn't go on any longer.  
Just couldn't. Her body stopped answering to her commands and she was on the floor.  
\- Oh, come on, dead girl! You survived a god, don't you dare give up now.  
\- How long do you think she's been here?  
\- Real problem is, when was the last time she ate something?  
\- Probably when I forced her to drink that glass...three days before she ran off, maybe?  
\- So that's like 6 days but she really pushed herself, - she cleaned off the snow best she could and pick the body up – let's just go into one of those caves and warm her.

 

____****__****__********__**My fall was rather fast, mostly because I could not see or feel which way was up or down but I definitely felt the cold of the snow touching my already numb skin. I knew I could probably get up and walk a little more, find shelter, maybe climb a tree but my brain didn't want to send my body the order, all I really desired was the feel of Laura's body pressed against mine, her heat warming me up. I was close to feeling her hands and kisses on my bare skin but then my eyes were closed and darkness all around. Darkness filling my every pore as if thick blood was all there was left again. I tried opening my eyes, I knew night was upon me but they were nowhere to be seen. The stars had deserted me just like she did. Made me weak, vulnerable and walked away leaving me empty. Forcing me to lead a hollow life.** _ _ ** ** ** ** _ _ ** ** _ _ ** ** _ _ _ _

____****__****__********__**\- Ordained to move as planets do, what matters, star, the dark to you? Roll blithely through our human time! Beyond its wretched mis'ry climb! The furthest world deserves your shine: for your compassion is a crime! One law applies to you: be thine!  
\- Does she seriously think this is a good time to phylosophy?! - Danny rolled her eyes and sat me against a rock.** _ _ ** ** ** ** _ _ ** ** _ _ ** ** _ _ _ _

____****__****__********__**** _ _ ** ** ** ** _ _ ** ** _ _ ** ** _ _ _ _

She is sitting down on the grass now, it's not winter anymore. She's not sure how long ago it was, she decided to stop counting the time years ago. Carmilla got back to Styria to meet Danny who was now mother to a beautiful baby girl. It was hard. Every single day was a battle against smells, feelings, memories, some nights she'd start fights with very angry vampires or zombies or werewolves just so they'd maybe kill her or make her feel something other than emptiness.  
Time flows differently for vampires, Danny was all better and married and happy – Carmilla is sure she still thinks about Laura but in a good way – but Carm feels it as it was yesterday. Laura walking into the building to check if there was anyone left, Carm too busy carrying a girl outside and then a scream, a horrid scream Carm instantly recognized, she threw the girl on Danny's arms and ran but it was already too late. The fire had taken over the whole building, she found Laura's body under a burning column. She can still see it if she lets her mind wander.  
\- It's been some time since the last time I came here.  
\- Me too.  
Danny sat down, she had the baby on her arms.  
\- You know, she told me something before...you know.  
\- Yeah?  
\- Uhum. She said she was sorry we had to go through such a hard thing to realise we were better off as friends but also really happy because she had found the love of her life and it wasn't me and that she knew she wasn't the one for me either.  
They were silence for a very long time after that, Danny wanted to ask her what she'd do next, where she'd go but it was none of her bussiness.  
\- I miss her, Danny. Everyday. All the time. I just miss her. - Carm held her head in her hands.  
\- I know. - Danny touched her shoulder - Come on, we gotta go and meet LaF and Perry.  
\- Have they met this one? - carm was running her fingers on the baby's head  
\- No. Weirdly, you were the first one from Silas to see her. But I have to show you these texts fom LaFontaine! - she was giggling.

_****__****__********__******WHAT?! What's her name?********  
Wait. That's totally cool but are you expecting some twilight crap?  
Because Carm is gonna flip when she realises it, I mean, she did see the movies.  
Perry says it's a very honorable homage.  
HOW I WISH I HAD CARM'S NUMBER. CAN I TELL HER? PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?** ****__** ** __****_

Carmilla was smiling when she handed the phone back to Danny.  
\- You are not expecting any twilight crap, are you?  
\- Oh, get real! I want you nowhere near my daughter when she gows up.  
\- But I'm cool aunt Carm! She's gonna love me.  
\- So... - Danny opened the car door – you're staying around?  
\- No. I mean, I have no family, human or supernatural but I am not trying to find creatures to kill me. - she got in the passenger seat – And honestly? With you for a mother, Laura is gonna need me around.

**Author's Note:**

> I am very sorry for this.


End file.
